Zoning groaning… what would Jesus do?

Editor's Note: Commedienne Pam Stone writes her column for The Tryon Daily Bulletin twice each month from her office in the "Unabomber Shack" on her Gowensville farm. Want a chance to respond to this column? Go to Pam’s blog at www.tryondailybulletin.com.

I'll bet everyone has, at one time or another, been asked that conversation starter: "So, if you could invite any six people, alive or dead, to a dinner party, who would you choose?"

The first time I was asked was by my fifth grade teacher. It was a class assignment designed, I imagine, to make us think, discuss, compare and contrast.

Or, she was dying for a smoke in the ever so mysterious, hazy, 'teacher's lounge' and wanted to bail out of the class for ten minutes. I remember chewing on my pencil and pondering for about three minutes before writing down the name of a British Show-Jumper, The Beatles, and Maria Rilke. The last entry, even I knew, was precocious, but I wanted to appear eclectic.

I was called upon first, recited my choices and sat down fairly smugly after correcting the teacher that Maria Rilke was not a woman.

My smugness evaporated when the next child stood and quietly replied, "Jesus." Well, game over. She didn't even list another five and I was mortified that I hadn't even considered Jesus. Of course, every other child, realizing their omission, quickly added Jesus to their list and their recitations sounded something like, "Marilyn Monroe, Mick Jagger, Jesus...."

I bring up Jesus because after following the latest zoning controversies in The Bulletin, it was reported that someone was quoting scripture to validate their reaction to zoning. This is a religious, mostly Christian, community and I thought it would be interesting to muse on what Jesus might think about it all. Well, obviously, I can't speak for Jesus, I'm not the President, for
goodness sakes, but I can ask questions that each of us can meditate upon as a reflection
of our own spiritual understanding:

Would Jesus enjoy seeing the nature that surrounds us being greatly reduced for the sake of development?

Would Jesus be impressed by the luxury and size and cost of all the new homes being built?

Would Jesus think the jobs that development would bring to the community be worth any negative aspects to the environment?

Would Jesus think it right for one group of people to force their will upon another group of people?

Would Jesus think it right for individuals to do whatever they want with their own property, regardless of how it might effect their neighbors?

Would Jesus think the present state of acrimony and distrust among those involved is the way to resolve the issue?

I really can't say for sure but I have some ideas what Jesus might think. On the other hand, being an Episcopalian, I've already been told I'm going to Hell, so who am I to say? Now, I do have an idea what Mickey Spillane might have said to the pro and anti-zoners:

"Now, look, you morons: why not take, say, three members of each group, sit down in a locked room and hash it out. Put a bottle of Wild Turkey and a blonde with big boobs in there to keep everything friendly. See what points youse guys can agree upon, like, " Do you want to try and save any countryside? OK, then how can we do that while respecting your rights?

Let's not even use the word zoning, let's come up with somethin' else so you don't think we're tryin' to pull a fast one on you and tell you that youse can't put a trailer in your back yard....
You know, with the exception of the blond and the booze, maybe, just maybe, Jesus would say the same thing...