Resolving to laugh!

Editor's Note: Commedienne Pam Stone writes her column for The Tryon Daily Bulletin twice each month from her office in the "Unabomber Shack" on her Gowensville farm. Want a chance to respond to this column?
Go to Pam’s blog at www.tryondailybulletin.com.
The most common New Year's Resolution, I am quite certain, is "to lose weight." A nutritionist friend of mine says that most folks who attempt this feat, beginning on January 1st, are doomed to failure because it takes skills and understanding of how your body works to be successful.
Another friend said, "Saying, 'OK, starting January 1st, I am going to lose 25 pounds' is akin to saying, 'OK, starting January 1st, I'm going to build a house.' Oh, really? You know how to do that? You have all the tools and know how to use them? You have a structured plan? You have the ability?"
Jeepers! That kind of pressure is going to lead anyone into free-basing Haagen-Daz.
Wouldn't it be nice, for a change, to put together a New Year's Resolution List that is easy to do and guarantees a reduction of stress? And while I won't promise you'll lose weight, I think you'll actually have fun. Remember that? Give it a shot:
1. The next time you're introduced to a stranger at a cocktail party, tell them you're on medication and could burst into tears at any moment if the word, "corn" is mentioned.
2. When you take your used goods to the local recycling place, ask the manager where you should put goats.
3. Start using phrases like "Goodness Gracious Me!" in an Indian accent whenever you are surprised.
4. While circling the parking lot looking for a space, pick out any man you see and yell, "Sheila, hey Sheila!" When he turns around, say, "Wow, sorry, you look just like my friend, Sheila!"
5. If anyone asks you the breed of your dog, reply, "Chinese tufted-rat burger."
6. When at the check-out at Bi-Lo, hold up a banana and ask the cashier, "Now, is this guaranteed to get out grass stains?"
7. The next time someone asks, "How are you?" Answer, "Flawless!"
8. If pulled over for speeding and the officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" say, "Heck, I dunno. The speedometer only goes up to 120."
9. Start a rumor in your neighborhood that you saw a big truck unload a crate full of monkeys into one of the houses.
Finally, for those of you who still insist you should at least attempt to diet January 1st, just try this:
10. Tell any new acquaintance that you just lost one hundred pounds. This way, everyone will think you look amazing.
Happy New Year!