Everyone benefits!

Editor's Note: Commedienne Pam Stone writes her column for The Tryon Daily Bulletin twice each month from her office in the "Unabomber Shack" on her Gowensville farm. Want a chance to respond to this column?
Go to Pam’s blog at www.tryondailybulletin.com.
God and I have this deal. Well, let's just say I offered God this deal and I'm assuming he's OK with it; I haven't received a memo.
I feel downright blessed about my life in many respects: through my work I've had the opportunity to travel the world: skiing in New Zealand (Oh, all right, a lot of falling in New Zealand), riding horses across southern Ireland, spending Christmas in Salzburg, drinking in the views from Capri and hoisting many a pint in the English countryside. Stateside, there's been trips to the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Muir Woods, Bean town, Wrigley Field and embarrassingly finding myself on a nude beach in Sarasota. Can I just say that I've always wondered why the people you least want to see naked insist on being naked? In public? There's something very disconcerting about walking behind a naked person to whom gravity has been unkind and wondering why, besides foot prints, you also see shallow trenches on either side? But I digress....
Because I have lived a life which can only be described as full time Adult Recess, I mentioned to God that to thank him, I would do my best never to turn down performing at benefits to help raise funds for worthy charities. And so I answered the call countless times in Los Angeles: Concerts for Battered Women, AIDS, the Humane Society, Muscular Dystrophy, Amnesty International, the Homeless… I can't even remember half of them but felt a desire and moral obligation to be a part of them all.
Moving to Landrum several years ago, I became aware that there are several worthwhile charities in this area as well. I also became aware that, unlike Los Angeles, where a charity has its pick of literally thousands of performers to choose from, I was pretty much it. Perry Como had died just after I moved here and I don't think he felt, at that point in his life, up to doing much performing, anyway. I'm quite sure I was soon programmed into several speed dials:
"Hello?"
"Yes, we're having a benefit to raise money for Habitat For Humanity... would you mind doing headlining a Comedy Concert?"
"No problem."
The calls came fast and furious: Red Cross of Polk County, Cancer Survivors, Crop Walk, Animal Shelters, Domestic Abuse Shelters, AIDS, Therapeutic Riding Programs... truly, I've been happy to oblige. The problem is, I try gently to explain to the callers, is that this is a town of just over two thousand people, the point being, well, everyone has seen my act by now. They're sick of me! Talk about saturating the market... even new jokes become old after a couple of months. And while I realize that each and every charity means something dear to someone, there's some that, quite frankly, I have to turn down...
"Yes, hello, we run an Alpaca Rescue service and we were wondering if you would agree to perform..."
"Alpacas?"
"Er, yes."
"The animals with the really bad perms?"
Silence.
I probably didn't make any new friends during that short telephone call.
That's also probably why each time I see an Alpaca, they always seem to be glaring at me.