Resolving to laugh!

Editor's Note: Commedienne Pam Stone writes her column for The Tryon Daily Bulletin twice each month from her office in the "Unabomber Shack" on her Gowensville farm. Want a chance to respond to this column?
Go to Pam’s blog at www.tryondailybulletin.com.
The most common New Year's Resolution, I am quite certain, is "to lose weight." A nutritionist friend of mine says that most folks who attempt this feat, beginning on January 1st, are doomed to failure because it takes skills and understanding of how your body works to be successful.
Another friend said, "Saying, 'OK, starting January 1st, I am going to lose 25 pounds' is akin to saying, 'OK, starting January 1st, I'm going to build a house.' Oh, really? You know how to do that? You have all the tools and know how to use them? You have a structured plan? You have the ability?"
Jeepers! That kind of pressure is going to lead anyone into free-basing Haagen-Daz.
Wouldn't it be nice, for a change, to put together a New Year's Resolution List that is easy to do and guarantees a reduction of stress? And while I won't promise you'll lose weight, I think you'll actually have fun. Remember that? Give it a shot:
1. The next time you're introduced to a stranger at a cocktail party, tell them you're on medication and could burst into tears at any moment if the word, "corn" is mentioned.
2. When you take your used goods to the local recycling place, ask the manager where you should put goats.
3. Start using phrases like "Goodness Gracious Me!" in an Indian accent whenever you are surprised.
4. While circling the parking lot looking for a space, pick out any man you see and yell, "Sheila, hey Sheila!" When he turns around, say, "Wow, sorry, you look just like my friend, Sheila!"
5. If anyone asks you the breed of your dog, reply, "Chinese tufted-rat burger."
6. When at the check-out at Bi-Lo, hold up a banana and ask the cashier, "Now, is this guaranteed to get out grass stains?"
7. The next time someone asks, "How are you?" Answer, "Flawless!"
8. If pulled over for speeding and the officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" say, "Heck, I dunno. The speedometer only goes up to 120."
9. Start a rumor in your neighborhood that you saw a big truck unload a crate full of monkeys into one of the houses.
Finally, for those of you who still insist you should at least attempt to diet January 1st, just try this:
10. Tell any new acquaintance that you just lost one hundred pounds. This way, everyone will think you look amazing.
Happy New Year!

Glad tidings please bring... and that's it!

Editor's Note: Commedienne Pam Stone writes her column for The Tryon Daily Bulletin twice each month from her office in the "Unabomber Shack" on her Gowensville farm. Want a chance to respond to this column?
Go to Pam’s blog at www.tryondailybulletin.com.
I am delighted to say that Paul and I, over the past couple of years, have succeeded in keeping Christmas simple. My rabid political rants have resulted in well-meaning friends who have, overnight, timidly returned jaunty little Santa figurines or snow globes, meant to be stocking stuffers for yours truly, because of the dreaded little decal on the bottom that reads "Made in China."
Instead of knickknacks in our home that live eleven months lumped away in a closet, the house is filled with the symbolic greenery cut from the woods: the holly with its fat, vibrant, berries historically represent the "Crown of Thorns" and the berries, the drops of Christ's blood. Candles, placed in windows, are reminiscent of the goodwill by the Victorians as a sign to passerby that warmth and comfort could be found within. Pine and ivy curls around the nativity.
I find such fulfillment, settling back on the couch and drinking in the sights and scents of these decorations, knowing that they haven't contributed a penny to that overused and annoying term: "commercialism."
If I had a dime for every person who has ever wailed, "Christmas is sooo commercial!" I would be bloated with wealth. The phrase seems to have been around forever, I certainly have used it and keenly recall my mother's laments. I thought it might be interesting to try and trace its roots...
Paul and I own "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on DVD and it is a must that we play it every year, generally a week before the big day, with a glass of good wine in hand, dogs on our laps and a fire roaring in the hearth. Besides acknowledging the sentimentality of this 1965 classic, we always comment that, with its religious overtones, particularly Linus actually quoting biblical scripture with the reading of Luke 2:8-14, there is, quite frankly, no way this lovely film would be made today. Before beginning to research this column, I always assumed "A Charlie Brown Christmas" was the first real cry against the commercialism of Christmas. Ignorant was I!
Scholar Charles C Haynes, observed in an article he wrote for "The Daily Herald," "...even the Puritans foresaw this problem by passing laws to prohibit celebrating Christmas on December 25th... an ill-fated attempt to ban from the New World a holiday celebrated in England with drinking and feasting originally associated with the Roman festival of Saturnalia." The Puritans truly wanted to keep Christmas, well, pure.
Actually, if you think about it, the blame might just lie at the feet of the Three Wise Men. They could have simply brought to the Christ child praise and music, but they chose to bring a weird little spice no one has ever really seen, incense and gold – Gold! Bringing an infant cash – that's as bad as when grandparents smother their grandchildren with extravagant gifts that overshadow the gifts given by the children's actual parents. I understand the rationale behind the gold, but it proved to be a difficult act to follow.
Well, I'm just not playing anymore. Paul and I give each other stockings each year and that's it: modest little trinkets, perhaps imported chocolates and much needed gloves, shoved deep down inside the toe with the obligatory candy cane sticking out of the top. If you try hard enough, you do not have to take part in the commercialism. Or so I thought. It's pretty good at trickling in. Watching "It's a Wonderful Life" for the five thousandth time the other night, Paul and I noticed that when George and his Guardian Angel, Clarence, were in Nick's Bar, Clarence hears the ring of a bell and informs George another angel "has gotten its wings."
The bell was the ring of the cash register.
Oh, well. Even Charlie Brown and Linus were brought to you by Dolly Madison...