Well, Howdy, America!

So I have an idea. Wanna play?

Yeah, it's a bit, shall we say, naughty.

For those of us who cherish the open countryside and sigh with dismay each time we see pink ribbons fluttering on another large wooded tract, promising the coming of bulldozers and either a smattering of new, modest, vinyl houses or another "equestrian neighborhood" requiring clear-cutting the sides of mountains, there just might be hope. As 'The Bulletin' recently reported, NBC, noting that Polk County has been named one of the "Top Ten Places To Live In The Country," has decided to investigate this and is sending a film crew to, among other places, Ward's in Saluda. The point obviously being to show the bucolic and sleepy "Mayberry" feel of this charming little town which, as it happens, is fighting like hell to keep developers from turning it into the entrance to Columbus or Hendersonville.

All those currently snowbound in the north east and all those still cleaning up from hurricanes in the deep south will certainly be dazzled when this airs and realtors can expect their phones to be ringing off the hook. More developers from Florida, happily residing in their own, protected, communities, will be catching the first flight up.

So here's my plan: why not find the date of when NBC is scheduled to arrive in Saluda? Why not go for your own fifteen minutes of fame? I'm not saying to blacken out a couple of teeth and wear your best Confederate, "Forget, Hell!" T-shirt (but, hey, I'm not stopping you) and sidle into camera range when you've ordered your double cheeseburger. I'm saying, why not just ask to be interviewed and tell NBC viewers the whole truth about our lovely area:

"Well, Lake Lure used to be so nice and quiet, but you can barely hear anything on the weekend, or, really, any weekday during the summer with all the Harley Motorcycles down there. Honestly, there must be two or three hundred going around, full throttle!"

"You didn't happen to hear about that feller who had 'relations' with his Pit Bull, did you? It's OK, he's in jail now. I think."

"You didn't know that a Florida developer just purchased over a thousand acres of land just round the corner to bulldoze and develop? Yep, you can pretty much wave goodbye to Tryon Peak!"

"What's Broadband?"

"Nope, those trailers ain't going nowhere — ain't no zoning around here!"

"Possum. It's what's for dinner."

and if none of those work:

"Ever heard of 'Coon Dog Day?'"